So You Don't Have to, Part One!

This is a different thing. I thought I’d take the funniest stuff I found on Twitter and put it in a post so people could get it without going through the lifespan-shortening experience of reading Twitter.

People say there’s too much sex and violence on TV today but like there was a whole children’s cartoon back in the day about a skunk trying to rape a cat.

The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 14, 2020

I thought I’d signed in too early to a Zoom meeting — the only one there was a faded redhead who kept squinting into the screen — then I realized I was standing in front of the microwave.

bettemidler (@BetteMidler) April 14, 2020

It is extremely unfair that my animals get to be afraid of the vacuum when THEY are the reason I have to vacuum so much in the first place. Like, grow up. Stop running from the consequences of your actions.

ᎽᎪᎬᏞ (@elle91) April 15, 2020

We are living in a ball pit of cognitive biasses.

Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) April 14, 2020

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2020

every time i get a breaking news alert

I know everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck?

[Michael James Schneider (@BLCKSMTHdesign) April 16, 2020] (

Who needs a fancy gym membership? The world is my gym now, in that I am not going to it

Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) April 18, 2020

Your yearly reminder of What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Nuclear Plant/Spider Farm

[Trevor dePayen (@Trevor_Pyne) April 18, 2020] (

I was going to try Brazilian Jujitsu, but honestly, after they waxed my pubes, I didn’t have the energy to fight anyone.

Christopher Moore (@TheAuthorGuy) April 19, 2020

I complain often about waking up at 4:30 AM, but my dreams just gave me a couple of the dumbest equestrian movies never made: “Bridle of Frankenstein” and “Animal Horse.” Tweet me the third movie in this trilogy.

Jon Wurster (@jonwurster) April 19, 2020

nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl

lil uzi hurt (@LameAsChris) April 18, 2020

My buddy just texted me he took his dog’s codeine and cut his own hair. Everyone’s living room is Burning Man right now

Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) April 18, 2020